Season 3 – EP 8 “Waking Up from a Drug Addiction (with Alexander “Stopp” Roberts)”
TAJCI
Today, my guest Alexander Roberts and I are talking about addictions. By the time he was 18, Alex had developed an addiction to illegal drugs which quickly began to destroy his young life. We talk about what caused it how he felt during it and what finally triggered his turning point and opened up a path to recovery. Find out what Alex is doing now to help others heal on today’s episode of Waking up in America.
BUMPER
I’m Tajci. At 19 I was a superstar and I was lost inside. I left it all behind, switched continents and started all over. Years later I found myself lost again, this time in the American Dream. This is a story about awakening. About living the life you were created for. About going inward and discovering the joyous and purposeful person you and I are both meant to be. This is Waking Up in America.
TAJCI
Welcome Alex.
ALEX
Thank you.
TAJCI
Thank you for being here.
ALEX
So good to be here.
TAJCI
So first let me just take this moment and acknowledge how good it is to have you here.
ALEX
It’s wonderful to be her. Thank you.
TAJCI
Yes. Connected, present, clean.
ALEX
Yes, absolutely.
TAJCI
Thank you. And thank you for driving all the way from Philadelphia to Nashville to be on my show.
ALEX
It was a long drive but I would, I would gladly, gladly make that drive any time to come here.
TAJCI
So I played—this is how we met. I played in your hometown.
ALEX
Yes.
TAJCI
And it was a church concert in which I talked about depression and anxiety and taking part in creating this turning point in your life.
ALEX
Yes.
TAJCI
And you were there with your Mom.
ALEX
Yeah, my parents were there. My dad was like, “Alex, you should come to this because I sense something special about it.” And I showed up and you know it was an amazing performance and then we got to talk afterward and we immediately connected. So it’s funny that my mom was there as well because I don’t talk about my addiction—well, except for today, but I generally don’t talk about it and she’s actually the one that mentioned you know, “Alex can I can tell her about your past?” I was like, “Okay,” you know, I mean I don’t hide it but I don’t go around telling people.
TAJCI
And that’s why I’m so grateful that you’re here and courageously opening up and sharing this story with us.
ALEX
Absolutely. You know, if we can help one person.
TAJCI
Yes.
ALEX
That would be wonderful.
TAJCI
So speaking about connection, I think that that connection is what a lot of people are afraid of. And maybe we’re not even in our society—we’re getting so disconnected. And so that disconnect, is that something that was part of your story or struggles?
ALEX
I was always afraid to open up and be myself from a young age. But then, definitely it’s always been a struggle.
TAJCI
So tell me, tell me take me to your childhood. When you were a little kid, what made you like have that feeling—that smile on your face that “I’m alive”, big dreams?
ALEX
Well, truthfully I wanted to be a pilot.
TAJCI
Why?
ALEX
I just like, I always liked fans. I don’t know why. They just always fascinated me and just
the idea of flying, of being free—free enough to fly through the air — that’s just always been a dream of mine. But funny enough I actually have found that feeling through music. I can actually fly sitting in place or standing, you know? It just takes me to another place.
TAJCI
So tell me what happened to the little boy with dreams with that passion inside when you moved from Philadelphia to the suburbs?
ALEX
Well, it was pretty much crushed. I went into a new school, different culture I guess and I didn’t fit in. I was a target of a lot of bullying.
TAJCI
The grown-ups in your life?
ALEX
Yeah, I mean my parents are good parents.
TAJCI
Yeah.
ALEX
But I guess they didn’t really know what was going on. They didn’t know the extent of it because I mean, I was just a kid, I didn’t know what to tell them I’m in so much pain like, you know, “I can’t take this.” I didn’t know how to vocalize that when I was 12, 11.
TAJCI
Yes, yes, that’s something that was not taught in grade school—how to express the pain, the emotional pain that we’re going through especially at a young age.
ALEX
No, if anything, the opposite is enforced. Especially the school was not that I was in, you know, strict rules. No acting out, no creativity, even.
Like I used to love drawing and I would sit there doodling and drawing during class and my teachers like chastised me so many times for it that I stopped. I don’t really draw, I mean I draw sometimes but they just sucked all the life out of me.
TAJCI
We’re talking to Alex Roberts, an amazing soul who has overcome drug addiction. When we come back we’ll talk about his struggles and how he came out of it.
TAJCI
We’re talking to Alex Roberts. Alex, so now you’re a kid and you’re an artist. You want to express yourself. You’re not able to express the pain. You’re being bullied.
ALEX
Yeah.
TAJCI
What happened?
ALEX
Oh, I just became extremely depressed and I’m very suicidal.
TAJCI
At that early age? So we’re talking about 10, 11? What does that mean suicidal at that young age?
ALEX
I mean, do you want me to paint you a picture?
TAJCI
Yes, please, if you feel comfortable.
ALEX
Just wanting to die all the time every day, being more obsessed, more interested in death because whatever it is it must be something better than whatever life is. You know,
I was just really in so much pain and just didn’t want to live.
TAJCI
Yeah.
ALEX
I mean I just withdrew into myself so much because my environment was so, so hostile and threatening that I completely withdrew into myself and disassociated from it and I was just always in my, you know, in my mind going places.
TAJCI
So nobody knew about it?
ALEX
No. I mean, not really. I mean my teacher said I had the worst case of ADHD that she’d ever seen because I would just totally dissociate and be in my own world.
TAJCI
Oh, you know, so many parents want to know what’s going on in my little child’s mind and heart and it’s so difficult to communicate that.
ALEX
You know if I could give any advice to parents—because I did plead with my parents to take me out of there. I did not want to go to school. Sometimes I would cry before going to school saying I didn’t want to go so much. Just pay attention to your kids. Pay attention to be sensitive to what’s going on sometimes you have to read between the lines. I mean, they are 10years old, they don’t know how to articulate their thoughts. They don’t know how to express themselves through words yet.
TAJCI
Now you’re in high school and so now there’s other things to distract and
ALEX
Yeah, I picked up the guitar when I was 16 because I was listening to Pink Floyd and I would just, it would fill me with so much joy and I would just dance.
TAJCI
So you found that connection, that way to express what you felt inside through that music?
ALEX
Yeah. Although all this repressed angst and anger and sadness and all this deep well of emotion I had nothing to do with, as soon as I picked up the guitar, it was instant love. I told my dad that I wanted to play an instrument and like the very next day he brought me home my first guitar I still have to this day. And like I just, I felt completely in love with it.
TAJCI
So connect music and getting into drugs for me? Did it have anything to do with each other or?
ALEX
Well no, not at first. My first drug I guess, was alcohol. When I was 14 I started drinking and I mean, I just loved it and it set me free. I was in so much pain and it was just a pain reliever. It relieved all that pain. I can relax for the first time probably my life.
TAJCI
Yeah.
ALEX
And then when I was 16 I started smoking weed and I love that equally, even more so. But then I also wanted to be like my heroes—you know, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison and you know, the guys from Pink Floyd. They all used drugs to explore and expand their musical horizons. So you know, I thought the drugs contributed to their greatness. So I started experimenting with drugs and adding it into my music and the see if it would make me more creative.
TAJCI
Wow, what a path. Alex, thank you so much for sharing this with us, to be giving us this insight. Alex, as a child, has so much expression, so much pain inside and finally he finds something that helps him. When we come back we’ll find out what happened that helped him to get out of it.
AD
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TAJCI
We’re talking to Alex Roberts, musician, singer-songwriter, guitarist who overcame a drug addiction—a drug addiction that started from a place of feeling so much pain, being depressed, anxiety from not being able to express who he truly is inside. Thank you so much for sharing this. You know, when I announced that I was going to have you on the show several of my viewers and friends ask all these questions: How can we understand? How can we? Because we feel if we understand as parents, as friends, why, how the addiction starts in the first place, why does anybody start using drugs, then maybe we can help before it even happens.
ALEX
That’s a complicated question.
TAJCI
Yeah.
ALEX
And there’s no simple answer.
TAJCI
And there’s not one-fit-all, I suppose.
ALEX
Absolutely not. I mean part of it is depression. If a kid is in a hostile environment they can’t express themselves, they’re trapped, they’re depressed, that’s going to be a problem right there—that they’re going to be more prone, probably, to addiction. I mean, I believe that addiction is a disease of the mind, of the brain. There is neuroscience to back that up. I mean, I’m not a doctor but there’s definitely science to back that up.
TAJCI
Tell us the part of the story when you decided to quit your drug addiction. At that point it wasn’t just weed and alcohol.
ALEX
That’s true. Yeah, the marijuana stop producing the same effect so I started looking for other things, other heavier substances which I won’t get into in detail. And I think that more than anything was capable for the process that was destroying my mind and my body. But I tried all kinds of stuff, whatever I’d get my hands on, anything to get me out of myself.
TAJCI
So what happened that brought you out of that?
ALEX
At a certain point, the joy I got from drugs started to go away and it just started to become immense suffering. Like if I was depressed when I was young, this was just ten times worse. And it started to destroy my music, where before music was you know the love of my life. Now it was actually painful for me to listen to music.
TAJCI
Wow.
ALEX
Imagine that.
TAJCI
Yes, so you went from pain, found something to numb the pain and now we’re in the same place just in pain.
ALEX
Worse place. I can’t even describe it. But what brought me out of that was I was suffering under the delusion that the drugs were doing something for me. I thought it made me more attractive. I thought it helps with my music. I thought it did this, did that for me. And a friend of mine, he said, “Tell me one good thing it does for you.” And until that moment I’ve never thought about it in those terms. And I sat down and made a mental list and I realized this has taken everything from me, everything in my life that’s important to me. This has taken my relationships away, my friendships away. This has taken the beauty of the world—there was no beauty in the world. This has taken away my joy—I forgot what it felt like to smile and feel joy. This has taken my music. But the addiction, I guess, subconsciously convinced me that it was it was doing something for me. But in that moment I realized it was a lie and I stopped doing drugs right there from that day on.
TAJCI
The moment of awakening that brought Alex to realization that the drugs were not doing much for him. When we come back we’ll have a little bit more to explore about his amazing journey.
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TAJCI
Alex, now that you are realizing the drugs are not doing anything for you, what is the first step you took? How did you get out of this?
ALEX
Well, the first up was to stop and I stopped cold turkey.
TAJCI
What gave you strength to do that?
ALEX
I just realized that it had taken my music away from me.
TAJCI
So the love.
ALEX
The love of my music, definitely. One of the first and most important steps was having people that I could call and talk to.
TAJCI
Find a support group
ALEX
Because early sobriety is so, so hard. It was more painful after I stopped than when I was using.
TAJCI
Yeah.
ALEX
For a couple months. And you know, if I was depressed when I was little it’s just ten times worse. And my anxiety was through the roof. I would have panic attacks. I thought I was having heart attacks. I couldn’t go into public places. I couldn’t go to a restaurant and relax long enough to eat a meal. And it’s not possible. And I didn’t leave the house during the day for like 12 months, probably. And I mean one of the most important things—if not the most important things—was learning to get honest about where I was at and sharing that with other people, having someone I can call it in the middle of the night, “I’m freaking out and I need help.” Just have somebody to talk that through with.
TAJCI
Yes and what I hear you say is being honest a phase, the addiction phase, and you said when we talked earlier, you can do it without the meds.
ALEX
Yes.
TAJCI
But it takes a lot of soul-searching.
ALEX
Yeah.
TAJCI
All that phasing.
ALEX
Yeah. It takes work. I mean it was a long road from where I was then to where I am now. It took a lot of soul searching. I took a lot of introspection. I took a lot of lot of courage, you know. One of the most important things I learned in in my recovery was to move outside of my comfort zone little by little, baby steps, as necessary. A lot of days it was two steps forward, one step back. Five steps forward, four steps back. But I was always moving forward the whole time.
TAJCI
You know, we live in a society where everything has to be fast, and every fix has to be fast.
ALEX
Yeah.
TAJCI
And what you’ve done is you’ve taken this long practice, long road to health.
ALEX
Yeah.
TAJCI
Because it sounds like you’re addressing the real issue that got you there in the first place.
ALEX
Yeah, I mean
in our society we want a quick fix for everything. We want to believe that a pill can fix all of problems but they can’t. I mean, we want to believe that, you know, we can fix it, we can just go to the doctor and have them wave a magic wand and fix all that for us and in my experience it doesn’t work that way. In my experience it’s a long journey.
TAJCI
So I have a viewer who asked, a woman from Cincinnati. He said, given how far you’ve traveled on your journey through addiction what do you must look forward to in the future?
ALEX
You know, honestly I don’t really, I try to stay in the now.
TAJCI
In the present. Beautiful. I love it.
ALEX
I try to stay in today.
TAJCI
Yes.
ALEX
Because I mean I feel like if you obsess too much about the future you miss what’s in the present, and life is in the present.
TAJCI
Yes.
ALEX
It’s not in the future.
TAJCI
Yes and the future brings worry about the future, right?
ALEX
Absolutely.
TAJCI
Okay. And Rob from Virginia, he says, “What would you say and/or do for a young person that currently feels trapped in their addiction and has lost hope?”
ALEX
I mean, there is hope. I mean, I’ve been to the darkest of dark places where there was not a shred of hope, not a ray of hope and you can come out of anything. But you can’t do it alone. Reach out, ask for help. I just swallowed my pride. You know, my pride almost took me to the end of my life.
TAJCI
Yes.
ALEX
My pride almost killed me. I had to let go of that and asked for help.
TAJCI
Now that you’re here and we’re so grateful and so just grateful that you’re here. Let me ask you these one word answers, okay? They’re fast. What makes you feel most awakened?
ALEX
My music is a big one.
TAJCI
Your biggest challenge
ALEX
Fear.
TAJCI
Your favorite treat?
ALEX
Music.
TAJCI
Most grateful for?
ALEX
Just to be alive.
TAJCI
What was the last picture you took with your phone?
ALEX
Oh, it was a picture of this beautiful art gallery.
TAJCI
I know. Isn’t it great?
ALEX
Totally.
TAJCI
Okay, finish the sentence: I believe
ALEX
In a lot of different things and I can’t think of one most pressing one to mention one.
TAJCI
Good. What the world needs is
ALEX
I want to say “love” but that’s real cliché.
TAJCI
Well, maybe not.
ALEX
Maybe not.
TAJCI
Maybe it’s true. If I could about anything from the earth it would be
ALEX
I guess the addiction problem in America.
TAJCI
Blue or green?
ALEX
Green.
TAJCI
Guitar or piano?
ALEX
Guitar.
TAJCI
Dancing or fishing?
ALEX
Dancing.
TAJCI
Driving or flying?
ALEX
Flying.
TAJCI
East or west?
ALEX
West.
TAJCI
Sunrise or sunset?
ALEX
Sunset.
TAJCI
Poetry or video games?
ALEX
Poetry.
TAJCI
This year you claim
ALEX
I claim, I don’t know. I claim I’m going to do my best to continue walking this path. I’m trying to do the steps forward not the steps backward.
TAJCI
Yes, thank you.
ALEX
Thank you so much.
TAJCI
After a long process of searching his soul, looking deep inside and finding strength to overcome his addiction and stay on that path of recovery, Alex is now writing about it, speaking about it and helping others to do the same.
ALEX
Yeah. I mean, I would try to help others when I can.
TAJCI
I think your music does that.
ALEX
It does.
TAJCI
Yeah.
ALEX
It does. And the people have told me that my music is healing and I like that. if I could that could be my way to do some good in the world.
TAJCI
So the song you’re gonna do for us is?
ALEX
Oh, it’s called “The Aftermath of Me”. It was co-written. The lyrics were co-written by me and a friend of mine who’s also in recovery. It’s about, at first it’s about the depths in the dark places of addiction. And then the next movement, if I could call it a movement, is kind of about the light and the beauty in recovery, and the joy that can be.
TAJCI
Yep.
ALEX
That there is.
TAJCI
It is definitely a movement because I hear, when you came to our house the first thing you did was sit my the piano and play Beethoven so beautifully. So yes, I can’t wait to hear it. Thank you.
ALEX
I can’t wait to play for you.
SONG
Going deeper into my mind
It’s no longer safe outside so I’ll turn it inside out
I opened up my mind
They’re for all to see
I found I couldn’t breathe
I am lost inside where devils used to hide
This is the aftermath of me
Reasons stick and slide out from on underneath
As I’m sifting through the aftermath of me
Now I’m moving on
Building stone by stone
Show me there’s a light
When I’m feeling most alone
Now I’m moving out
From underneath my skin
I chase away the ghost
And the seeds of mortal sin
Now I’m moving on
Building stone by stone
Show me there’s a light
When I’m feeling most alone
Now I’m moving out
From underneath my skin
I chase away the ghost
And the seeds of mortal sin
I was lost inside
Reasons stick and slide
Show me there’s a light
When I’m feeling most alone
TAJCI
It’s been an incredible privilege and a blessing and a gift to tell these stories like Alex’s. If you’re someone who is struggling with an addiction, please look for support. Look for a local A meeting, or find American addiction centers. Log on to WakingUpRevolution.com. Reach out to us. connect with Alex. Check out his music. Just don’t give up hope. You can do it. And if you know of someone who is struggling and would like to help them, share this episode with them. And if you’d like to take a step further, support us in telling more stories like this one. Become a monthly contributor by visiting patreon.com/WakingUp. And remember, wake up each day knowing your purpose and knowing that the world needs you. Thank you so much we’ll see you next time
OLGA
I’m Olga Alexiva. I’m the artist and the owner of O’Gallery. This episode was filmed at my studio at the Marathon Village, Nashville. Please visit us at OGalleryArt.com. Thank you.
