S3 – EP 10 “Waking Up to an Empty Chair (with Patti Herrington)”
TAJCI:
How does a mother go on living after losing a child to suicide? How does anyone silence the questions or faces that emptiness once occupied by smiles and hugs? Patti Harrington speaks about overcoming her own tragedy of losing a son to suicide and how she’s helping others through her Firefly Ministries.
BUMPER:
I’m Tajci. At 19 I was a superstar and I was lost inside. I left it all behind, switched continents and started all over. Years later I found myself lost again, this time in the American Dream. This is a story about awakening. About living the life you were created for. About going inward and discovering the joyous and purposeful person you and I are both meant to be. This is Waking Up in America.
TAJCI:
I met today’s guest at an event of game changers, influencers and dreamers. She stood up and shared briefly her story—her tragedy of losing her son. But it’s such hope that I had to stop her and talk to her and bring her to you.
TAJCI:
Patti thank you so much for being here.
PATTI:
Oh, it’s such a blessing to be here.
TAJCI:
I just, when I my first encounter with with you was so powerful because there’s so much that is, to me, as a mother, just incomprehensible that I that anyone would be able to come through on the other side and still go living.
PATTI:
Yeah. It’s really, it was the hardest thing I could have ever even dreamed or imagined that I would ever go through in my life.
TAJCI:
Talking about turning points?
PATTI:
Yes.
TAJCI:
Yes, and we talked about turning points. Unfortunately, you know yours is such a tragic one but you were still able to find hope, redemption, and helping others with it. So give us an introduction of Patti Herrington.
PATTI:
Wow. Well, I’ve been a businesswoman all my life and I had my own company and just living the American dream just doing everything I could do to be a good mother and provide for my children. I had three sons. My oldest is 36. I have one, he works for Dave Ramsey. He is such a sweetheart. And then I have another son that studied at the University of Southern Mississippi and he is in pre-dental. And then my youngest son, Connor, was 17. And I came home one day from work thinking I was going to cook dinner for my son and I went into his room and found him hanging in the closet. And my world as I knew it did not exist any longer. Life was not the same for me and never has been never will be the same and that day I went in a fight or flight mode I think sometimes when things happen in our lives and I desperately had to cut him down. I tried to revive him. I was screaming, crying, calling the ambulance. Finally the paramedics got there. I was doing everything with my within my power to revive him into no avail. I couldn’t do it. Then finally when they got there they kept trying to resuscitate him but they couldn’t bring it through. And so I followed the ambulance to the hospital and everybody always says, “How did you do that?” I said, “I don’t know how I did that,” but somehow I don’t know how work through it but I have the grief and the despair after that. I was in such a just in another place.
TAJCI:
Yes. I would imagine the shock—the sheer intensity of the shock and trauma took over.
PATTI:
Well three days after that at the funeral, my oldest son lived in Tennessee and he says, “Mom, pack your stuff you’re moving to Tennessee,” and so I came up here and I just I would be driving down the road, I would just all of the sudden I would just go into this moan of desperation and I couldn’t even imagine how was I going to rebuild a life? How is that ever going to even possibly think that I could ever find happiness? And what is happiness? You know the joy of my life—my child was gone.
TAJCI:
You’ve had a life and you shared it with me that was ups and downs, your own struggles as a girl, everything you went through and you shared with me that sounded like your children was your stability, provided that love, that sense of fulfillment.
PATTI:
Yes, I had a very unusual childhood. I had a lot of things happen to meet a very young age. I was molested up until probably around 11 and then some other traumatic things happen to me. And then I lost my mother at the age of 18. And I think it just through a lot of brokenness, you know, and wounds in my soul. I was looking for love and I married the first guy that I think just fell in love with me and we thought, you know, we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and and he was, you know, my answer. And so I married him and had a son and that’s my 36-year old son today that lives here in Nashville and operating out of wounds of my soul it took me so many years to really understand the different traumas that I went through in my life affected me in so many different ways, because we operate out of the wounds of our soul and oftentimes we want to medicate—that’s the first thing we want to do is medicate.
TAJCI:
Yes, and that has been a topic on this show. You know, before we get to the turning points we want to distract, we want to numb because we’re just not able or just too hard to deal with the wounds of our soul. When we come back we’ll talk more with Patti Harrington.
AD1:
Do feel stuck in life I waiting for a miracle would you like to transform your pain and anxiety into joy and freedom, here’s how. The answers are in my book Turning Points. There are dozens of stories of people like you, people stuck in addictions, abuse and bad relationships, but they all took that first step. They all went on a transformational journey. So can you visit WakingUpRevolution.com, Amazon.com or any major online bookseller get your copy and turn your life around today.
TAJCI:
We’re talking to Patti Harrington, founder of Firefly Ministries, who talks and teaches on prevention of suicide prevention from a spiritual perspective. And you’re talking about growing up and experiencing traumatic experiences. You’re carrying these wounds on your soul as you say, and making taking steps that lead you into a broken relationship, would you say?
PATTI:
Yeah, broken relationships. Because if we’re broken we try to fill those places with different things— whether it be people or whether it’s shopping or dysfunctional relationships or drugs or alcohol whatever their outlet is until we deal with those inner wounds, until we recognize that were operating out of the windows of the soul and realize that we have to release the the person that hurt us, we have to release through forgiveness. And because you’ve heard some of these stories where people held onto things for years and years and years and 30 years, 40 years later they’re still crying about what happened to them when they were 10 years old.
TAJCI:
Yeah and I think part of his fear is that we we get used to that pain, existence of pain and existence in pain that almost becomes comfortable in a weird way. We’re afraid to step out of it. So now tell us bring us to where you are now with with your son Connor and paint a picture of the life that you had then before the tragedy.
PATTI:
Well I would had moved to another area and I met another man and I married him and I was married to him for 10 years and it just didn’t work out. We were two broken people trying to make a marriage work and it just did not work out. And so I we ended up getting a divorce and my children were young—I had two other children and so I was a single mother for a number of years.
TAJCI:
And and you mentioned you were successful businesswoman now you’re taking care of your sons. Everything seems fine. It seems good on the outside.
PATTI:
Well, I thought so. Well I had two other sons that have gone through puberty, nothing out of the ordinary. There were some issues that I knew Connor was dealing with, my son, and things that we only talked about. He had been bullied, had some issues that he was dealing with with school. He really started a lifecycle of defeat from the second grade on. His teacher failed him by one point in the second grade so his struggle started at a very young age. But you know, he always covered it up. He always tried to act like nothing was wrong. And he was a year behind and then he again, I think it was the eighth grade he failed again. I mean it was just a constant battle with his academics. And my other two children, they, you know, they came through and I thought just teenage stuff.
TAJCI:
You mentioned covering it up. I think we live in a culture that likes to cover things up in all subdivisions, we like to, you know, put a filter on, right? And just smile and say, “No, I’m fine.” We had so many stories on the show with the same thing and yet there’s this suffering underneath.
PATTI:
Because we want it we give a false perception and we don’t want people to know who we really are.
TAJCI:
You know, for some reason.
PATTI:
And for some reason and we’re not transparent with one another.
TAJCI:
Yes, again, because we’re broken and we’re afraid that if we show our brokenness we won’t be loved.
PATTI:
Yes.
TAJCI:
You communicate with your son you talk to him, you knew his struggles.
PATTI:
I did. I did. And I would always take heart you know, “You can come through it, son.” I was his biggest cheerleader and I would just love him and hug on him and I knew when he was struggling. I was taking them to counseling and he seemed to be doing much better and even the counselor said he was doing much better. And then that day, I came home and found him. It just
TAJCI:
Well because I mean you were his strength and his love but there is still the world.
PATTI:
There is the world.
TAJCI:
And if in the world feels like he’s never gonna fit in, you know, the children say, “Yeah but you’re my mom of course you’re going to be my biggest fan.”
PATTI:
But I think a lot of his was because his dad was a professional in the medical field and and I really believe that Connor really felt that he would never be able to measure up, he would never be able to accomplish since he had so many struggles in his academics. I believe deep down within his soul there was the fear and he really did not think that he would ever be able to make his dad proud or accomplish things. And you know a son wants to emulate his dad so I think there was a lot of that there as well
TAJCI:
Yeah that’s a wound of the soul as well because we are created in uniqueness as we are and we need to be accepted and we are accepted and loved just the way we are. When we come back we’ll talk more with Patti Harrington and what helped her to move on after the tragedy.
TAJCI:
We’re talking to Patti Harrington, the founder of Firefly Ministries. Her turning point was when she found her son who committed suicide. How did you? Let’s talk about recovery.
PATTI:
Well, I decided to rent a cabin out in the middle of nowhere in West Tennessee I just wanted to get somewhere where I could just lock myself in and I did that for six months. I rented this cabin and I was saying I can’t think past six months. But I rented it for six months and I said to him, I said that I just got to, you know, work through this grief. And that’s what I did.
TAJCI:
And it’s interesting because you said before you numbed. You went numb with relationships, you should shower yourself with shopping and this time you didn’t and yet this is the most unimaginable pain yet.
PATTI:
Just life. Life had really throwing me a lot of blows. But I just got on my knees and I cried and I was so broken. I cried and I cried and like how can I go on, how can I find myself, how can I even find purpose and enjoy my life. I just can’t even imagine being happy.
TAJCI:
And I have to ask you did you what did you do with the sense of guilt?
PATTI:
I did have guilt. All, any parent that loses a child to suicide. I just spoke with a woman in in another state the other day she called me and she was dealing with guilt. I’ve had so many people ask me that question. Yes, “What could I have done could have done? What could I have done?” But there’s always those questions and really there wasn’t anything I could do because it was his decision to do that. He’s the one that decided to take his life. So I was faced with this and I began to just try to find out what can I do with this thing, what can I do with it? And I really had struggles within myself because I’ve always brought my children up in church and I always heard that someone that commits suicide go straight to hell.
TAJCI:
So it was adding to the pain now—it’s that separation, that devastating perceived separation of what happened to him now. Oh, Patti, I can’t even.
PATTI:
Well, I cried out to God and I said, “You’ve got to give me something. I’ve got to know that my son is with You,” and God gave me a dream one night and allowed my son to appear in a dream and it was like that dream just let me know that he was okay—just the beauty of the peace around him and it was really life-changing for me. At that point I begin to turn around. I began to look at this thing as far as what can I do because I knew there was only one or two choices I could make—it’s either I could lay down and die with my son or I could turn this tragedy into a triumph and I could spend the rest of my life helping save lives and to share my story of the empty chair.
TAJCI:
Yes and that’s what you’re doing.
PATTI:
That’s what I’m doing. So I go and speak to young people and I share my story. I’m very raw with it. I share my story of how suicide has impacted my life, the trauma that was associated with that, and you know this is what suicide, what you’re thinking, this is a reality of it. I’m left with an empty chair for the rest of my life.
TAJCI:
You think that the young people are not being heard? Especially these days when we’re so disconnected.
PATTI:
We are very disconnected. You know, there’s so much social media out there, there’s a lot of bullying. You know, even parents can bully. That’s what we have to remember is even our own words, because words have power. And sometimes even the things that parents say to their children which makes them feel inadequate or makes them feel like they’re not good enough.
TAJCI:
But you know I’ve also heard people say, “When we were younger we could take these words it didn’t bother me,” And like you said then there’s that wounded soul that keeps carrying on and that’s why I think we ended up here as a society.
PATTI:
That’s exactly right. It really is. And there’s just a lot of hurting people out there.
TAJCI:
And I thank you for what you are doing and of all the guests that we have on this show, we’re really trying to wake you up and make you aware of the words you’re saying, make you aware of of your own wounds of the soul. So when we come back we have some more good stuff from
AD2:
Are you planning a live event looking to bring inspiration and a fresh approach to wake up your community or organization? Tajci’s keynote concerts are transformational experiences that lead your audience to a life of joy, authenticity, courage, and purpose. Book Tajci for your next event now by visiting WakingUpRevolution.com.
TAJCI:
We’re here with Patti Harrington, founder of Firefly Ministries. So tell us about, you know, the misconception of who are the people with suicidal thoughts.
PATTI:
Well I think as a society we paint a picture of what we think a suicidal person looks like. Typically, what we’ll do is we’ll paint that picture of either they’re homeless, or they’re extremely poor, or uneducated. When in fact, most of the suicides that I have seen have been people from higher income levels, people that you would never think, the picture-perfect families where their young people, their children took their lives. It’s devastating. Do you know that over a million people died by suicide last year alone?
TAJCI:
And you said that 1 in every 12 teenagers?
PATTI:
1 in every 12 young people seriously consider suicide and 1 in every 10 are cutters. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the United States between ages 15 to 24.
TAJCI:
And yet it is those wealthier areas and correct me if I’m wrong, seems to me that those people those we like to cover it up again, we like to not talk about it, becomes shame of the family we don’t want this—whatever it is, right— to be talked about and correct me if I’m wrong but that is just my immigrant’s view of it.
PATTI:
But that’s very true. But when you address these issues head-on lives are saved.
TAJCI:
Yes, I think it’s so important. Thank you. That’s what’s most important. Lives are more important than looking good.
PATTI:
Yes, that’s exactly right.
TAJCI:
Yes. I have a question from Natasha from New Jersey who says, “How can we best help those who seem suicidal to us?”
PATTI:
If you know of someone that’s suicidal the best thing to do is to reach out and share with someone close to that person. One of my son’s friends knew that he had contemplated suicide. He had talked to him about it but he never shared that with me. If he had opened his mouth and told me that, if you had reached out to me and said my son was contemplating suicide I would have done everything within my power to stop that. But I didn’t know that he was thinking about it.
TAJCI:
Are there any signs we can look be looking for?
PATTI:
There’s different signs and then sometimes there’s not signs. You know, sometimes people will give things away or they always say comments like “Everybody will be better off without me,” “No one cares about me I just want to die,” and then sometimes they just don’t say anything and then all the sudden they do it.
TAJCI:
And there is you know, suicide, obviously it is a progression of a very serious depression and when everything is off balance inside. How does that happen? How do we get that far that we don’t catch that?
PATTI:
Well, we just don’t talk about things, we just don’t communicate. When you go to a restaurant Tajci, you see families sitting at a restaurant and what are they doing? The children on the cell phones, their parents are on their cell phones and there’s no communication. We don’t talk anymore. But you’ve got to take time to put those cell phones down, find out what’s going on with your children. Say, “Hey, we’re going to have dinner tonight and it’s going to be a dinner with no cell phones. We’re going to look at each other, we can communicate. I’m going to tell you how important you are to me tonight. I’m going to tell you how much I love you.”
TAJCI:
If you’re watching this share it with your friends. Invite Patti to speak Look at Firefly Ministries. Let’s help each other to wake up, to heal from within, you know to really open up to God. If you are, whatever God means to you. Really, let’s allow that healing to happen. We can support you, we can be here for each other. On that note, let’s celebrate. Let’s do the one word answers.
PATTI:
Wow, okay.
TAJCI:
What brings you the most joy?
PATTI:
My children
TAJCI:
One thing you are most grateful for?
PATTI:
God
TAJCI:
Your biggest fear?
PATTI:
I don’t have any
TAJCI:
Your biggest challenge?
PATTI:
Wanting to accomplish more
TAJCI:
My vision is?
PATTI:
Gigantic
TAJCI:
If you could be anywhere in the world right now you would be?
PATTI:
Israel
TAJCI:
Your favorite food?
PATTI:
I’m a health nut so anything healthy.
TAJCI:
Top thing in your bucket list?
PATTI:
To go to Rome.
TAJCI:
One thing you’d like to be more of?
PATTI:
A better human being
TAJCI:
Tea or coffee?
PATTI:
Coffee
TAJCI:
House or apartment?
PATTI:
House
TAJCI:
Fly or drive?
PATTI:
Fly
TAJCI:
Summer or winter?
PATTI:
Summer
TAJCI:
And last photo you took with your phone?
PATTI:
Last week… of me.
TAJCI:
You are a ‘selfie’ girl. All our world needs is?
PATTI:
Love
TAJCI:
If I could abolish anything from the earth it would be?
PATTI:
Evil
TAJCI:
This year I claim?
PATTI:
Joy.
TAJCI:
Thank you.
PATTI:
Welcome
TAJCI:
Patti tell us about music in your life and how did you find that key in our music guests?
PATTI:
Well I actually ran into this girl. I was at office depot and she knew him and she just suggested I have him on and it was just such a god thing. He’s such an awesome blessing and he’s written several songs and his passion is to help those that have been bullied and to bring awareness to suicide prevention. And it was just such a wonderful blessing to meet him and he’s got a great voice. He’s wonderful. His songs just make me cry. Something for me to fall out your tissues.
TAJCI:
Thank you so much.
PATTI:
It was such a blessing to be here.
TAJCI:
Thank you.
MATT KENNON:
Today was gonna be the day
He’d already wrote the note
And parked that Chevrolet
At the end of that dead end road
Had his finger on the trigger; just about to end everything
He was taking one last long breathe; when he heard his cell phone ring
And his best friends say man where you been?
We’re headed down to the lake this weekend
You better not miss it ’cause buddy I swear
It won’t be the same If you ain’t there
And I told that girl that you like so much
You were coming along and her eyes lit up
I better let you go man I really hope I didn’t catch you in the middle of anything
He said you kinda did but I don’t mind at all
I’m glad you called
In another town down the road
In the backseat of a car
Two 18 year olds had let a kiss go to far
He said how are we gonna have this child
When were both headed off to school?
He convinced her late one night there’s only one thing to do
She was scared to death in that waiting room
When the nurse asked how far along are you
She said 5 weeks and just about then her phone lit up
And his call came in
Saying baby I was wrong about everything
I’ve already bought you a diamond ring we’ re gonna start a life
Would you be my wife
Boy or girl; pink or blue; yeah either way
All she could say as she felt those tear drops falls was
I’m so glad you called
If someone you know is weighing on your mind
And needs a friend on the end of that other line
Don’t hesitate what you say may seem so small
But who knows
They might be glad you called
So make the call
Yeah make that call
TAJCI:
Share this episode and connect with Patti Harrington and Firefly Ministries. Please visit WakingUpRevolution.com. Thank you for watching and thank you for being courageous to be an uplifting force in our world.
